I was coaching a client this past week when she made a discovery that stopped her mid-sentence.
Whenever she felt an inkling of discouragement, sadness, or irritation, she would immediately reframe the situation to “look on the bright side.” She’d zoom out and list all the ways she benefits from her current role, all the reasons to be grateful for the situation she’s in.
Her reframing wasn’t untrue or delusional. She was doing it “correctly,” by most standards.
But it wasn’t working.
No matter how much she convinced herself that her work situation “wasn’t that bad,” she couldn’t shake the unpleasant feelings.
Your Feelings Aren’t a Bug. They’re a Feature.
Here’s what most of us miss: unpleasant feelings aren’t problems to be solved. They’re signals that certain essential needs aren’t being met.
In my client’s case, her needs for connection, collaboration, and growth weren’t being met, despite how “good” she had it compared to others.
From a fight, flight, fawn, freeze place, she kept looking to me to validate her reframed narrative. To tell her that what she was feeling wasn’t a big deal.
Instead, I told her it wasn’t about right or wrong, or which set of facts mattered more than another. What mattered was that she felt sad and dissatisfied because her current work situation wasn’t how she wanted it to be.
Then I said, “Let’s stop talking and just pause. Feel the sadness that’s present.”
From Control to Trust
Most of us have been conditioned to control our feelings instead of trust them. When we trust them, we slow down to engage with them.
Engaging with our emotions is the process of shifting from one question to another:
From: “What is the matter with me?”
To: “What matters to me?“
This processing of our emotions enables us to feel more confident about who we are, what we stand for, and what we need to be our best. We can then use this confidence to advocate for what we want to be different.
The Cost of Avoidance
When we use reframing as a shield against uncomfortable feelings, we disconnect from the very information we need to make better decisions. We end up staying in situations that don’t serve us, convincing ourselves we should be grateful rather than listening to what our dissatisfaction is telling us.
This shows up constantly in leadership. The VP who reframes their frustration with a struggling manager as “they just need more time.” The executive who tells themselves “I should be grateful for this promotion” while ignoring the gnawing sense that the role isn’t aligned with their values. The leader who stays in a toxic culture because “it could be worse.”
Reframing isn’t the problem. Reframing as avoidance is.
What Are You Avoiding?
The next time you hear yourself reframing a situation, pause and ask: What feelings might I be avoiding?
Your discomfort isn’t the enemy. It’s the messenger. And it might be telling you exactly what needs to change.
