There’s a difference we’re all familiar with: the difference between how you intend to show up and how you actually show up once the year is underway — when things get busy, when energy dips, when pressure returns.
By the end of January, that difference is usually visible. Not because the intention wasn’t real, but because default patterns have a way of resurfacing.
Patterns that are familiar. Patterns that once worked well enough. Patterns that feel efficient, even when they’re no longer aligned with how you want to lead.
That gap doesn’t come from a lack of effort. It comes from defaulting.
Intensity vs. consistency
James Clear offers a distinction that’s useful here:
Intensity is about the story you get to tell. Consistency is about the life you actually live.
Intensity shows up in high-stakes moments. Consistency shows up in what you practice repeatedly — especially in relationship.
The leaders I trust most aren’t intense all the time. They’re consistent about practicing what they say they value, especially when they’re in interaction with others and it would be easier not to.
That kind of consistency is what gives them capacity — not just to perform under pressure, but to create impact that actually aligns with their intention and reinforces the kind of leader they want to be.
Which is what makes everyday interactions such a revealing place to practice.
A habit I didn’t plan (but practiced anyway)
At some point, without deciding to, I developed a habit. Whenever I hear a closed-ended question, I try to turn it into an open-ended one — at least in my own mind.
It happens when I’m listening to a podcast. Standing in line at the grocery store. Overhearing a conversation at a nearby table.
Not because closed-ended questions are wrong, but because open-ended questions change what becomes possible. They create space. They invite interaction that wouldn’t otherwise happen. They offer something to the other person that I also want to receive.
This habit didn’t come from a framework or a productivity book. It came from wanting to be a better coach and facilitator — and from wanting to practice that craft in ordinary moments, not just formal ones.
Over time, it started shaping how I listen, how I respond, and how I show up when I feel pressure to be certain or quick.
That’s when something became clear to me: the habits that matter most aren’t about optimization. They’re about alignment.
From defaulting to choosing
If you want to move from defaulting to choosing, identity is a useful place to work — not in an abstract way, but in a practical one. Two identities, in particular, help map the terrain.
The leader you want to be
Ask yourself:
- What matters to me?
- What do I stand for?
- What kind of influence do I want to have?
- What kind of impact do I want to make?
- What do I want to be known for?
The leader you don’t want to become
And also:
- Who do I not want to be?
- What am I opposed to?
- What kind of influence or impact would I regret having?
Most people spend time clarifying the first and avoid the second. But the dreaded identity often sharpens your choices. It helps you define the contours: this is what leadership means to me — and this is what it doesn’t.
That clarity makes it easier to notice warning signs, unintended consequences, and moments when you’ve drifted off course.
It’s also a form of self-authoring. Before you can lead others with clarity, you need language that helps you lead yourself.
Where are you choosing, and where are you defaulting?
Right now, you don’t need to change anything. Just notice:
Where are you choosing? And where are you defaulting?
That question alone is often enough to help you recover your footing — and move forward on purpose.
