Cal Newport makes this distinction between “hard work,” which is often an inevitable experience of doing deep work (ability to focus without distraction on a cognitively demanding task), and “hard to do work,” which is work that is just grueling, draining, not enjoyable, and doesn’t lead to any future pay off.
At the core of this distinction is a significant first principle of all life: Acute stress is adaptive and is necessary for neuroplasticity and desired functional growth. Chronic stress is maladaptive and causes degeneration, which leads to dysfunction. Hard work causes acute stress; whereas, hard to do work causes chronic stress, especially because the effects of hard to do work linger long after the hard to do work was actually being done.
I think this distinction is also very important to consider in the context of romantic relationships. Many people often doubt whether they are with the “right person” based on a belief that it shouldn’t be “hard.” The belief goes “if this was the right person for me, it would just be easy.” This belief assumes that “hard work” is indicative of something being wrong. Consider this logic applied to physical exercise: “if this was the right workout for me, it would just be easy.” Worthwhile physical exercise requires hard work in order to become fit and maintain our fitness levels. The same is true for romantic relationships. They require the hard work of emotional labor: doing what we don’t feel like doing because it is often very uncomfortable and requires a lot of vulnerability. Often times, the vulnerability is due to feeling feelings that we do not like feeling. Embracing these hard to feel feelings is how we can grow individually and in our relationships. However, we cannot embrace them if we resist the idea and importance of embracing them in the first place.
On the contrary, it is all too common that people have trouble maintaining a regular fitness practice when they do not enjoy the experience at all, which would be considered hard to do work. Similarly, a romantic relationship that is all dread is not worth tolerating because this is the type of stress that is chronic and deconstructive, as opposed to constructive. Hard work is purposeful. It is to effort in service of building something. Whereas, hard to do work is an avoidant coping mechanism. It is putting up with something because temporarily it feels easier than letting go of the commitment altogether. Unfortunately, this type of work robs you of your unique voice and your ability to pursue meaning, fulfillment, and belonging.
