“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself, just as I am, then I can change,” (Carl Rogers).
At 32 years old, after 20 years of individual therapy, 4 years of couples therapy, a master’s in Performance/Organizational Psychology, and transforming my body through 10 years of CrossFit training and coaching, I am finally starting to own and accept my biggest roadblock and recurring limiter: I motivate myself predominantly from fear, threat, or a belief that I am not enough rather than from love.
Not just a love for what I am doing, but a love for who I am being. A love for myselves. Yes, you read that right, I am learning to be motivated by loving my multiple selves.
Self-love is a self-awareness skill that involves the psychological and spiritual practice of getting to know, accept, and befriend our multitudes.
Self-love is the antidote to shame. Dr. Becky Kennedy, author of Good Inside: Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, defines shame as “the feeling that ‘this part of me is not connectable–no one wants to know or be with this part,’” (p. 86).
Before we can love ourselves, we have to accept ourselves, and before we can accept ourselves, we have to see ourselves.
Some ways we can practice seeing ourselves:
- Noticing our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
- Clarifying our passions, aspirations, and values.
- Being honest with ourselves about all of our different personas, parts, and patterns.
“The Quiet One,” “Mr. Competent,” “Subject Matter Expert,” “Analyzer,” “Super Silly,” “Super Serious,” “The Indignant One,” and “You Should Know Better” are some of my personas. Personas are the various roles we play and the psychological masks we wear when we find ourselves in different contexts.
I think of personas as being the sum of a particular combination of what the therapeutic model Internal Family Systems’ (IFS) refers to as parts. IFS views the human mind as being a repository of subpersonalities, e.g., anxious self, reserved self, conscientious self, insecure self, cautious self, unworthy self, productive self, skeptical self, playful self, creative self, and relaxed self.
For instance, my “The Quiet One” persona is likely a blend of my conscientious, insecure, cautious, reserved, and unworthy selves. Whereas, my “Super Silly,” persona is likely a fusion of my playful, creative, and relaxed selves.
Once I became aware of these personas and parts, it helped me to start observing when they would appear in addition to how I related to them when they surfaced.
For example, when I am around a large group of people, often regardless of how well I know them, I tend to withdraw and feel very shy. Honestly, it still is really hard for me to be with “The Quiet One.” In the moment that I feel uneasy and adrift in a sea of people, I end up relating to this version of myself as something that’s wrong with me. I repress this part because I wish others didn’t have to see him. I belittle this part because I feel disgusted by and embarrassed that others now know he exists.
My triggered, fight or flight pattern of relating to the “The Quiet One” is to turn away from him with contempt. It is this aversive relationship to my shy persona and parts that ends up hindering my wellbeing and performance.
With this awareness, I am learning to shift into acceptance of “The Quiet One” by turning toward him with presence and wonder. I do so by giving my sensitive attention to “The Quiet One” seeking to understand where he comes from, what he cares most about, and how he benefits me. When relating to these parts in this way, I am reminded of my desire to connect deeply with people, experiences, and ideas. “The Quiet One” believes he is helping me to achieve this, especially by protecting me from jumping into something unfamiliar too soon.
To love our personas and parts is to forgive ourselves for what was and trust ourselves to repair and evolve in ways that frees us to take risks for what we most desire to create and share–hope risks disappointment, confidence risks exposure, love risks heartbreak.
When experiencing disappointment, exposure, or heartbreak, we are tempted to blame the versions of ourselves that we believe are at fault for leading us down that path, and yet that is still another version of rejecting, instead of witnessing, allowing, and appreciating all of our personas and parts.
As Richard Schwartz, the creator of IFS, says, “there are no bad parts.” Personally and societally, we tend to reward certain parts and personas and shame others, which creates this fragmented, handicapped, and trapped set of selves.
Some of our selves tend to behave like victims, villains, and rescuers, while others behave like creators, challengers, and coaches. Some of our selves are more fixed minded and others are more growth minded. Neither is wrong or bad. They just are. They are habits of mind that are inevitable to the human experience.
Seeing, accepting, and befriending all of these personas and parts is what enables us to choose how we might evolve them, so we can grow in ways that are more integrated, playful, purpose-oriented, and motivated by love instead of shame. This is what I call the practice of self-envelopment versus self-development.
Self-envelopment is learning to lead with all of yourselves, so you can lead others to learn about all of themselves.
